Redeem now - When my girlfriend and I started dating, we decided an open relationship would work best for us.
- We're allowed to sleep with and date other people, but we can't have sleep overs or get hickeys.
- Open communication and trust help our open relationship evolve.
From the moment I learned that ethical nonmonogamy was an option, I knew that monogamy wasn't for me. Like many people, I was monogamous purely because it's the default in society and I was not informed of alternatives.
This story is available exclusively to Business Insider subscribers. Become an Insider and start reading now. Have an account? Log in.I had always found monogamy stifling; the idea of being with one person forever sounded both improbable and a little scary. I want to love one person forever, but I also want my sexual freedom.
I'm now in a happy, nonmonogamous relationship with my girlfriend of five years. It's been a long process of learning boundaries and communicating desires, but I can't picture myself in a monogamous engagement anymore.
I had to first learn what nonmonogamy looked like for me
I started practicing ethical nonmonogamy in 2014. To be clear, ethical nonmonogamy is a blanket term for any nonmonogamous relationship practiced with the informed consent of everyone involved.
An open relationship is a type of ethical nonmonogamy. To me, an open relationship is when I am in an emotionally committed relationship with one person but I can have sexual connections with others. I learned this was the type of relationship I thrived in.
My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship since day one
I got into my open relationship with Lucy in 2018. We dated for two months before making it official. My years of experience with nonmonogamy taught me the importance of boundary setting and communication, so we started talking about our wants and desires early.
When we had the "what are we?" talk, I had my communicative face on. First, we talked about our dating expectations and life plans to see whether there was space for a relationship. We then made our hard boundaries clear and highlighted what we had in common.
During the talk, I told her that having an open relationship was important to me. We discussed what that meant, and we established our first set of ground rules before deciding to make it official.
Five years have passed, and we're going stronger than ever.
The rules for our nonmonogamy have changed so much that it's unrecognizable from its origins
The communicative and honest basis of our relationship has never changed. It feels like we're in an ongoing conversation about The Relationship. That conversation is always easily picked up again at our convenience.
These days, we swipe through Tinder together, and we chat about the interesting people we meet in the real world. If one of us wants to go on a date with someone new, it just takes a text to the other partner to keep them in the loop. Sex with new people? Sure, just play safe. If I'm going on a date, she knows who it is, what my interests in the person are, and what I'll be getting up to. It's not because she's trying to monitor me but because we like to keep each other informed.
She knows all my crushes as they happen and gently ribs me about them. She shares the story of beautiful people she meets with me so that we can gush together. Most of the people we're enamored with are women of all kinds, but everyone else makes appearances, too.
There are some core rules underneath the fun. We have agreed to keep sexual activities to one person at a time unless otherwise discussed. We can't fall in love with someone else. Also, we decided hickeys were a big no-no outside the relationship. We consider skin marks to be very personal and see hickeys as a special in-house activity.
When one of us feels uncomfortable about a behavior or an event, we talk it out, so our relationship is ever-evolving. This happened when I mentioned the possibility of spending the night with an outside partner. We didn't discuss that possibility early on, but when we finally did talk about it, Lucy said she was uncomfortable with the idea.
I'm proud of how much our connection has evolved. It means that Lucy and I have steadily built a relationship that's meaningful to us and us alone.
We wrote this relationship just for us, and we know it's not for everyone
My friends in their own nonmonogamous systems have remarked that they could never do a relationship the way Lucy and I do it. Some think ours is too restrictive. Others find it too easygoing and would prefer tighter boundaries. Some of the healthiest relationships we know of are strictly monogamous.
The point of ethical nonmonogamy isn't to demolish monogamy. It's to give options to people who can't be happy with one person. Through it, I've crafted a way of loving my girlfriend that is as unique as we are.
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