Redeem now - Couples can rebound after cheating, but only if the cheater is willing to take responsibility.
- If you're ready to reflect on how you need to change, telling your partner could transform your dynamic.
- Your partner may not trust you right away, and that's OK.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
Soon after my boyfriend had moved into my apartment with me, our relationship started to go down hill, and I realized I didn't want to be with him.
When the pandemic hit, I was still working in the office. I would come home to my partner drunk. He never cleaned and disrespected my home.
After plenty of arguments I couldn't take it anymore and screamed, "I'm done." My boyfriend was drunk at the time, and he packed up all of his things and left.
Following this altercation, we talked it over and decided to live apart for awhile.
Two months went by with barely any communication and no face-to-face contact at all.
One night, after lockdown restrictions eased in my area, I went out drinking, blacked out, and woke up next to someone in my bed. I knew I wanted the attention I wasn't receiving from my estranged partner.
Since then, I realized I don't want to be with anyone but my partner. I regret what I did and feel guilty all of the time, especially now that we've rekindled our relationship.
I'm not sure whether to tell him what happened, or if it's even considered cheating. This is the first time I've ever been unfaithful and it hurts to know I did this to myself and someone else.
Do I tell my partner I cheated?
- Ohio
Dear Ohio,
It's normal to feel guilty in a situation like this, especially since you made your decision after alcohol lowered your inhibitions.
Though you've never been unfaithful before and made your decision while you weren't thinking straight, it still speaks volumes about the current state of your relationship.
Revealing you cheated could help you confront the issues that drove you to be unfaithful and restart your relationship on a healthier foot.
But if you're driven to disclose your cheating simply to absolve yourself of guilt, it might not be the best idea, Tammy Nelson, psychotherapist, independent consultant for Ashley Madison, and author of "When You're the One Who Cheats," previously told me.
"The details [of the affair] aren't as important as the why [you did it]," said Nelson.
That's why you should do some self-reflection before you decide whether or not to tell your boyfriend.
To start, ask yourself these questions: What were you looking for in the affair? What did you learn about yourself from this experience? What do you need to change about yourself in order to make your relationship improve, and are you willing to make those changes?
You mentioned that you felt your boyfriend disrespected your home and was consistently drunk, so I'm curious how his actions made you feel — initial anger and frustration aside.
When you were at your wit's end and told him you were done, was it because you felt unimportant or disconnected from him?
Pinpointing those difficult emotions will help you realize how you want to feel in your relationship moving forward and articulate that to your partner. It's possible he was dealing with his own problems and didn't realize his actions affected you so deeply.
That doesn't mean he was justified in them. At the same time, fixating on what your partner did places the blame on him. If you want your relationship to improve going forward, you also have to take responsibility.
According to Nelson, you must be willing to take full responsibility for the cheating if you want to disclose it to him.
"Talk about who you became when you were in the affair, why you couldn't be that person in [your relationship], and be clear about what you'll do going forward, even if you're ambivalent," Nelson previously told me. "Always frame it around what you did, not your partner."
If you're ready to think critically about your motives, address uncomfortable feelings, and own up to what you did, set aside time with your partner and tell him what you did.
You don't need to offer details about the experience itself, unless he asks, said Nelson. Instead, say something like, "When we were separated, I felt lonely and disconnected from you and our relationship. I slept with someone else, in what I now realize was an attempt to feel understood and special. It doesn't excuse my behavior, and I'm sorry."
Then you can explain how cheating pushed you to realize you want to work on your relationship with your partner. You can't expect him to be on board right away. Instead, give him space to process the news and offer to talk about it with him whenever he's ready.
You should also tell him you understand if he can't trust you right now, but you want to rebuild that trust and will do what he needs to get there.
If, however, you don't feel like you can take these steps or that doing so won't improve your relationship, it could be time to move on and treat the experience as a learning opportunity.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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